However you lost your legs. Ha Ha Ha. You haven’t legs. And we’ve legs.

I went to Poland to do shows. Because I have to go to Poland to do shows.

I’ve put off entire careers just so I didn’t have to wake up early, like, “I just won’t be that then”.

Young skinny dudes. Best life in the world. They don’t have to do anything.
They just have to show up, with big adam’s apple, smelly tshirt (and be like)…
“Hey I’m here for the easy pussy for the rest of my life.”
“So where do I oh everywhere, ok cool.”

I watched the rats fuck because I was curious how they do it.
There’s nothing surprising about how they do it, by the way.
It’s a pretty standard rat fuck.
He’s on top, smooching her into the pavement. And she’s like…

“It’s been 2017 years since what? Since there was ever people? Since the sun did a bludedebluh something?”

She hasn’t given me a fresh reason to love her in a long time.

(On his little daughter when she was 3 years old.)

For me it was between the two buildings going down. I had to do it. Otherwise they win.

(On why he masturbated after the first WTC tower attack during 9/11.)

But then there’s a liberal lady who says, “Of course he can get a job. He’s as good as any!”

So they let him get a job. As a air travel controller… whatever was available.

And then he falls in love with another retarded woman, and says, “We want to get married.”
And the guy is like, “MBRRRRRR!!!”

But the liberal lady says, “But they’re in love.”

So they get married.
And then one day he says, “We want to have a baby.”

And the liberal lady says, “No fucking way!”

The point of the movie is.. “Hey, you know, there’s a limit.”

Fucking Guy.

(An embarrassed Matt Damon to his friends, when he gets fucked in the face when the character he wrote says “No” when Matt asks “Do you like Apples?”)

Ray Charles has killed more Jews than happy marriages have ended in divorce.

Some girl telling she got married. I’m not listening.
“Daddy, this is my Husband!”

(On when he’s barely conscious while standing out in the Sun.)

A lot of the bigger buildings in Moscow, in the back, are being held up by just bricks.
It’s really unnerving how unsafe the whole city is.

“It gets better” ad for dumpy young guys:

Look man, I know it’s tough right now.
You’re vaguely heavy with no face.
You have zero value on the sexual marketplace.
You feel invisible to the girls in the school, because you are.

But it gets better! Because you all grow up.
And you’ll look pretty much this your whole life.

But they don’t.

Their options start running out, really fast.
And you’re gonna be there, as long as you stay relatively employed and washed, you’re going to be amazing in your 40s.

You’re going to be the branch she can grab before she hits the ground.
It’s going to be so great.
It just takes time, for her circumstances to match your looks.
It’s going to happen, and when it happens you’re going to be the sexiest motherfucker in the world. It just takes time.

People like to say, “there’s someone for everyone!”

Nope, not at all true.

And stop saying it, because it’s mean to people who never find anybody.

There are millions of people out there who we’ve all unanimously decided they are lightspeed ugly, and nobody kisses them on their lips even.

Nobody touches their genitals their entire lives.
They just wash it and then they die.